What to expect in a Relationship

The first thing I am going to say is that Expectations are the biggest killer of Relationships.. FULL STOP. Expectations actually drown a relationship. Failure to meet expectations has ended a large percentage of relationships. The longer the relationship lasts, the more expectations you’ll have. Every additional expectation increases the chances your partner will fail to meet them.

In the beginning of a healthy relationship there is no expectation. You have just met and you start learning about each other. The only expectation really is that they are a human (in the gender you prefer) and that they are alive.

It takes a strong person and a lot of focus to not to be so demanding or needy in a relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of people in relationships are not strong people to begin with. They will often times ignore or downplay how needy and dependent they are becoming. Events happen, I know, I have experienced it. I have made mistakes in my relationships over the past 10 years. I have made major mistakes. I even cheated on my partner. I know this is the ultimate sin, although I did it anyway. I am not proud of it and although I cannot blame depression, I contribute it to my actions. I was in a state of hating myself, to the core, I despised who I was, there was nothing I could see about myself that was positive or good. Nothing satisfied me. I was looking for something.. anything to fill the hole, the void I felt. I shopped, I bought things, I saw two men at the same time because one wasnt enough, nothing worked. You see to not have that void, you need to be ok in yourself.

I hit rock bottom when I got caught out. That event wasn’t what caused the rock bottom though. It was the realization that I was so depressed and had been in denial about it and I believed I was a failure. That I was worse than I had allowed myself to acknowledge I was and how I thought about myself was now amplified. That now I could add that title of “Cheater” to my repertoire of sins. I look back and now I don’t see myself as a failure. I see myself as someone who was lost, broken and not whole. That someone now loves themselves and went through all that crap to learn it. Yeah I can see too, that I learn things the hard way and not the first time. I regret that on my journey to learn my lesson I hurt people, I honestly do. I didn’t go out intentionally to wreak havoc on other people’s lives, that is so far from the truth. On the other side of this, after therapy, and learning about myself, I now feel satisfied in myself, content in myself if I am to describe it accurately. I would hate to ever make someone feel betrayed and like crap and Hurt. I made myself feel like that for about 10 years. So I would never cheat on another human ever again. It would be also cheating on me. Cheating on the peace I have made in myself.

I don’t expect to be treated like a princess. I don’t need someone to dote on me and serve me breakfast in bed. I just want a good partner, someone who is there through thick and thin, Someone who I can laugh with and cry with in the same day, someone who understands my changing moods, someone who is strong and doesn’t need assurance that they are loved. I don’t mind to be spoiled every now and then and am happy to do so in return. I am happy to shower love over someone who doesn’t demand it, I guess I struggle to give it when it feels that it is expected or demanded. This is from years of not having it. Being in relationships where I was made to feel unimportant has conditioned me not expect it. So when someone is expecting/demanding it from me, I see it as a weakness, I can be a stubborn person too, so I tend to dig my heels in when I am triggered, I now acknowledge this is a trigger for me. I see that both parties need to feel wanted and cared for, if this is balanced there should be harmony.

I say expectations kill relationships.. however there are basic things you can expect and that your partner should in return expect from you. For example you should expect to be told the truth in a relationship. Why be with someone if you have to walk on eggshells with them? Be direct, be honest. If they’re being an asshole, tell them. If they’re being THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER, tell them that too. I don’t think this needs to be advertised on Facebook though. I am all for having happy snaps on social media. When it becomes a requirement for one of the partners to have things advertised on social media to make them feel better about themselves.. then I see this as a problem. I also see one partner hiding the other from their social media on purpose as a problem too. This causes the other partner to feel suspicious and can cause resentment. I experienced this while I was seeing two guys at once, I hid my relationships from everyone. It caused distress in the form of my partner not feeling worthy of showing my friends we were in a relationship. It then became a problem after reconciliation with him when I took time in posting pics of us together, I think it triggered the previous feelings of when I was being disloyal to him in the past.

Expect for them to treat you with respect, to be patient with you, to understand that if you’re being short with them, it’s probably just because you’re having a bad day and has nothing to do with them. That’s the thing: They have to know that it’s not always about them. There are other things happening in your life that don’t revolve around the relationship and that’s okay. It’s not an insult. Expect that they will have bad days too. Not taking things personally is a major thing in life, as well as in a relationship.

Expect trust. Without trust, you have nothing. Your partner should trust you completely until you give them a reason otherwise. If they don’t trust you, if they’re already paranoid in the beginning and try to control you, the relationship is doomed. Because it’s not about you. IT’S NEVER ABOUT YOU. You could be the best significant other ever and it wouldn’t matter because you’re with someone who’s violently insecure and will always find something wrong with you. If you have given them reason to not trust you, and you work your way through it together, be prepared for it to take time to repair.. Lots of time. I was told I needed to make up for my mistakes, I thought I had. I was told I was trusted again, and I didn’t really know I needed to constantly prove myself. I was unaware of this expectation so I didn’t continue it in a sufficient enough manner to satisfy my partner. In hindsight I see now that I should never have expected him get over it. He didn’t have it in him, and I dont mean that in a nasty way. He is human, most people would struggle to trust someone again when they have been hurt multiple times. I learned this from a fight we had when he declared that if roles were reversed he would be trying to make up for it to me for eternity. He expected more than I was giving, more than I could give to make it up. So I see that after infidelity, a relationship can be pretty much doomed. It is better for the cheating to never to happen in the first place. What I have learned is that everyone’s best differs. They do the best they can with their beliefs, their intent and what they know. It doesn’t mean it is wrong, it could just be different to how the other sees it. We need to understand that we may never understand each other’s perspectives.

Expect differences of opinion, expect fights, expect it to not always feel right, expect to feel a little bit bored sometimes, expect to feel a little overwhelmed at times. Call them out on their ridiculousness because it shows that you know them very well. Most times, people WANT to be called out on their BS. However if you can’t deal with them calling you out on yours, then don’t do it. I have learned this the hard way! Expect to question things, expect to be with someone who loves you as is and doesn’t want to change you. THIS IS A BIG ONE. It seems like so many people get into relationships just to transform someone into another person. Why do we do this? Don’t date a fixer-upper. What’s the point?

Expect to be emotionally supported. This includes being spoken to in a loving tone and speaking to your partner with good intentions. It also means asking questions when you are not sure of things to find out answers, not making assumptions and nasty digs at your partner because you are angry. This just causes resentment in the other. Don’t play games to trick or set up your partner. This just leads to heartache. While you should expect emotional support, DON’T expect to be financially supported. If this comes with the relationship awesome, however if it is expected, it can cause resentment.

Expect to be made to feel good about yourself, especially when you’re naked and vulnerable. Sex should be a “NO JUDGMENT” zone. Also both parties need to understand that men and women are different. Women struggle to want to have sex when there has been conflict, whereas men seem to want it to resolve conflict. I have learned this also can cause tension between partners when they take insult to the others needs, which particularly for women can change with the seasons. I think communication around this subject should be addressed regularly to see where the other is at.

Expect to be taught new things. Expect to have your mind blown. Expect to want to be a better person. Expect passion. Expect love. Expect anger. Emotions are part of life, however one emotion to never expect is indifference. When there is lack of interest, lack of sympathy or concern, there is a major problem in the relationship and more than likely one of the partners has checked out, sometimes there is no returning from this point.

Relationships end because you do not accept or understand the other person. Your love has actually become conditional instead of unconditional — true love is unconditional.

What if you had the same expectations from the day you met them till the day you died? No matter how in love you are, what if you only expected them to be human and alive?

What if no matter what is going on in your life you respond with respect, love, and kindness?

This is called true love.

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