Happy Birthday! Some might think it silly to keep celebrating and having a drink for your birthday when you aren’t here, well who cares what they think.. I don’t. Cheers to you turning 64, I love you so much! To celebrate New Years Eve and it also being your birthday is always a reminder that another year has fully passed without you being here.
I woke this morning in a strange position, I was lying diagonally across the bed, which I never do, I am always in a fetal position on my side. In my morning stupor, I uttered “I love you” The sensation of your physical presence was felt in such a profound way, with faint smell of your favourite perfume “Red Door” on my pillow. I felt like at some point during my slumber you’d come in to tell me you were going out, all dolled up, your hair – perfect like you had been to the hairdresser and your makeup was applied impeccably. I envision you’d leaned over to wake me and say goodbye, giving me one of your warm cuddles; the soothing warmth of your breath upon my cheek… For an exquisite moment I thought it was real (and maybe it was). I was lying in my pink bedroom in my single bed in our old family home. Still disoriented, I truly thought I was there, that it was real. Looking around, I was confused as my surroundings weren’t marrying up to what I was expecting. Still it FELT real. The only thing mum, is that I am an adult and actually laying in a queen sized bed in my own home. But somehow, you came to deliver the Love I Needed today. I felt Strong. The message that I Am Loved, that I am Beautiful was received. I got the message mum, Thank You…
As I sit here, warm tears well in my eyes and uncontrollably stream down my hot cheeks ending as wet blotches on my top. My desk top (surprisingly tidy today) is also not spared. It too wears a few wayward tears upon its otherwise cluttered surface. Mum, I need you to know something, I am in pain. It’s not the kind of pain that Asprin can easily alleviate, but the pain of Heartache. It’s the kind of pain where one cannot seem to stop crying, where one’s body shakes to its core; where you can’t breathe because your nasal passages are blocked with sorrow. Mum, I liken it to the pain that poor Debbie Reynolds felt upon her beloved daughter’s untimely passing before losing her own life. She died from a broken heart. Mum, losing you took a piece of my heart, I would imagine burying your only child would completely break it if you let it. For Ms. Reynolds, it proved to be fatal. It claimed her too. Mum, I’m so glad I’ve been strong enough to not allow my sadness at your passing take all of my heart. I still need it to be the strong mum for the two children that need me. Mum, you would be proud. I’ve have been a great mother, done my absolute best and I learned it from you. To this day, friends tell me that they wished that you were their mother when we were growing up.
Do you know the pride I feel when I hear that? Mum, it’s funny, one of my daughter’s friends said the same about me the other day, it felt Amazing. Mum, you know why else I didn’t let my heart break in two? I had another thought years ago, it started as a flicker, just a glimmer of a thought, and I can’t remember where it started, perhaps after seeing a photograph of you, I am not really sure. This thought has taken a long time to crystallize, it simmered in the background, always just a glint a flash of it into my mind, then out again. As I have grown personally the thought has manifested. It was a flame during the year, the size of a lighter flame. Actually, just like that, flicking on, then off as I let go of the thought. Now, it has manifested into something of a full blown Fucking Bushfire. I Believe it. I Feel it in my Soul. Mum, that’s why I am in pain. Not a bad or terminal pain though. The pain is Relief. The pain is Growth. The warm, salty tears streaming down my face is actually Catharsis. Because what is pain other than Acceptance… Of Acknowledgement of what has transpired. The Crying is Healing… It’s Knowing… It’s Mindfulness… Mum, I’ve suppressed way too much in my life. Even when I think I have let it all out, these occasional, unexpected waves of emotion wash over me and I find myself in the midst of uncontrolled tears. Mum, there was a time… Remember? During my darkest days of depression, when I felt so worthless…
Today though, I KNOW I’m NOT a Failure. Mum, I’m learning to see my life as a Journey. The Lesson for Me in this Life: to learn to Embrace myself, to Love Myself for Who I Am and Exactly How I Am. Right Here. Right Now. Not Just Today. Every Day. Love Myself BEFORE the Process of Transforming into what I want to Ultimately BE. To Love Myself not when I do this thing, or when I look a certain way, or when I get a better job, or when I have a partner that loves me for me. Here’s the Promise Mum… Ready? I will continued to LOVE MYSELF today, exactly How I Am, tear-stained cheeks, sparse eyebrows, sun-spotted cheeks… ALL OF IT. ALL OF ME. I AM ME. I am how I am and make no apologies!
So here is the thought I’m having Mum… Your body may have been put in that box when you passed mum, but to me, you’re not there. You never were. I know you’ve never left me, you just Transformed… Your STILL HERE. You are Inside of Me. You are a Part of Me. And those of whispers of encouragement that I hear, those seemingly random thoughts that materialize out of nowhere, those gentle tappings at the door when no one else is home, those whispers I hear… It’s ALL YOU. Mum, you’re very much ALIVE. And the longing I feel today is a reminder of that. It is a pain of Love, of missing your human form. But it is also a reminder that I am Healing, I’m letting go of burdens… of things, people, habits, places, and fears.
Oh Mum, I KNOW I will see you again… Sorry to say though… not for a LONG time! LOL! I’ve got so much more to do here first.
But one day darling Mother, We will Meet again. xoxo