Personal Growth

2011-08-17-23-13-29
Everyone is your Mirror

For any of you that have attended the Landmark Forum or or any other similar Personal Development events, you will know the sensation of how life changing it is.  Many things heard and felt in these events stay with you forever.  For me, I have a few core things that I put into place from them, then I remember snippets of it, or others remind me of things that I  should have put into practise, but that I forgot along the way.

Landmark was a huge one for me, I also have attended several through a business I was in for 10 years. The first day afterwards I always feel euphoric and that I was completely transformed. This lasts a few weeks and dies off after this time.  As time goes on, there are things that you keep doing, but a lot of it falls to the wayside.  Old habit creep in and sometimes, it’s like I have learned nothing.  The thing is in the environment where you learn this stuff, it is contained, everyone there is wanting to be there, they are likeminded and supportive. In real life things get in the way, you must make time to remind yourself daily of the positive things you really wanted to implement to make a change from what you learned.

The big change though has been mindfulness.  Seeing a psychologist regularly. Doing some life-coach sessions. Being part of an online group which is a Safe haven to express my feelings, thoughts and emotions without judgement, the “30 day video challenge” that I contributed in early last year was a huge life changer, it made me drop a lot of my fear of being judged.  I was actually told by more than one person, that my transformation was the most obvious, go figure lol.  Meditation, being present, not having my mind worrying about the past or the future, reading motivational books, a big one for me is the Four Agreements.  I have had the biggest growth in the last twelve months doing these things

The rewarding and also frustrating thing with personal development is exactly in the name.  Its personal. Back in real life, not everyone is on the same wavelength.  Not everyone understands my journey.  Not everyone actually wants to.  There are people in my life that I can see that if they opened their eyes up to a different way of seeing things and a different way of feeling that they would raise their vibrations and enjoy life much more exquisitely.

What do I mean by vibrations? I hear some of you ask.. High vibrations are generally associated with positive qualities and feelings, such as love, forgiveness, compassion, peace and spirituality. On the other hand, low vibrations are associated with darker qualities such as hatred, fear, greed, jealousy, blame, anxiety and depression.  I have been on a low vibration for a long time, depression and self loathing does that. However I have raised my vibration and although I fluctuate, my levels have stayed quite high.  I work at it, through mindfulness.  Here’s the thing.  I am not here to change others or force them into another way of being, that is their journey, their choice.  I am here to change and grow myself.  Everyone is the actor in their own story and chooses to live how they live, not how I think they should live.  At the beginning of my journey, when I started feeling better, I felt like I had to change people, make them see a better way to live, it doesn’t work, they need to discover and want it for themselves.

Can you be in a relationship with someone who is not actually on the same level as you?  I don’t really know, it was too much of a struggle for me.  It made me question my values and feelings and practise everyday, I am not solid in where I am at enough to do it.. I need someone who is Strong and solid in their own self worth.  So that we grow together and not “butt heads” every day.  Perhaps one day I will be solid enough to help someone else grow, right now I am inexperienced and not equipped with the knowledge to do this without seeming arrogant or unaccepting or superior.  I am none of these, I just don’t know how to keep on my journey and deal with someone who isn’t aware of theirs yet.

I tried being in a relationship with someone who didn’t really embrace my mindfulness.  He tolerated it, but didn’t understand it.  Even though he said he did, his words proved he didn’t.  I was blamed for the way I made him feel.  That I didn’t do enough to make him feel loved and that I didn’t announce my love for him in public and he felt hidden away.  The last one is true to some extent.  I was hiding myself away to some extent, so he was hidden away with me.  I didn’t announce my love for him in on social media as the relationship was always in turmoil, I never really knew where we were in our relationship and it really felt like a battle. We would break up and get back together all the time and I didn’t see the need to advertise this in public.  Yes that can seem like I am worrying too much about what other people think, however I also know for a fact that FB and the like are very orchestrated.  People make their lives seem better or worse than what it really is in real life.  It can be a place of judgment and as much as I am above caring about that, I am still fragile and don’t need one negative comment to bring me undone.  I have to practise not taking things personally.  Remind myself everyday, as it is the one thing that has ruled my life for as long as I can remember and it is such a hard thing to undo.

Those who understand mindfulness and are vibrating on a high level will see that the statements he made to me about it being ME who makes him feel unloved and that I need to change things I am doing to make him feel loved are from someone who hasn’t evolved.  For those that are confused, I will explain.  When you accept yourself and love yourself fully, behaviour of others doesn’t effect how loved you feel.  You respect them and love them for their individual self.  You see what they are capable of, and love them with all your heart.  You love yourself enough that what others do and say doesn’t change your value.   This has been a tough one for me.  As I have done my best to keep vibrating at a high level and accept this person as they are.  My struggle was that I had to tolerate their lower vibration and it was so hard to honour my values and energy.  I was challenged everyday and it was a battle to keep on my journey with someone who wasn’t on their own path of enlightenment.  I had to walk away from him to stop the feelings he said I made him feel and to honour myself.  My heart hurts, because I truly loved him.  One day he may take responsibility for his feelings and see I wasn’t the cause of him not feeling loved.  That when he is vibrating at a higher level he will feel unconditional love without all the acknowledgement and approval of others.  That his own personal feelings are all that matter.

I was also in a relationship with someone else who saw everything Black and white.  He didn’t embrace anything other than his beliefs, which were limited.  He was materialistic and I was like a trophy.  It was nice when I was in such a self loathing frame of mind, I needed to feel that I was admired.  He didn’t understand me, there was no soul connection.  There was never love there at all.  I didn’t actually get anything from this relationship other than a deeper loathing in myself.  However this is the relationship that forced me to find myself, it did so much damage, it forced me to hit rock bottom.

That is the sad thing with the other guy, there was a connection, we felt each other’s energy.  He could take away my pain.  Through meditation, I could send him calming energy or give him more energy when he was tired.  I would regenerate him when we slept together.  I’d calm him, he’d lift me up.  Will I ever find this with someone else? I really don’t know.  We clashed all the time though and it was exhausting.  I fantasised about it being perfect, it could have been.  Not in this lifetime though, I really don’t think he is capable or wants to evolve like I do.

I have compassion and see why people do what they do.  I shouldn’t feel forced to act a certain way or do certain things to make someone happy.  It should flow naturally.  I am reserved when it comes to flaunting my life and personal relationships on social media, it isn’t what feeling loved is about for me.  I have also been very burned and judged by people.  I know that it is important to him and so I should do it anyway to make him happy.  This was a tough one for me and I still don’t know how I should have handled it.  When doing something that someone puts a weight on to feel loved, it seemed wrong.  I felt that I was contributing to his need for public acknowledgement, that he wouldn’t evolve if I did.  It was really a huge thing for him, yes I was being stubborn.  I wanted to know that our love and feelings weren’t dependant on the approval of others.  Why should people seeing that he makes me happy matter so much to him.  It wasn’t a way to torture him or a way of bribing him.  It was to see if we would truly last and see whether he had raised above the need to have to have it to feel valued and loved.  He didn’t.  He expected me to post pictures of flowers he gave me, that I was utterly grateful for and expressed that to him, he needed it posted to social media to feel that I really was grateful.

It shouldn’t be about doing things to get something back.  You do things for people to make them happy and not expect anything in return.  I stayed with him as I love him.  I couldn’t keep up with the demands to make him happy.  I didn’t ask him for anything.  I gave love without needing anything in return.  It seemed that the motive for all his actions was to get something in return.  He says it wasn’t, but he says he didn’t feel anything from me, that I did nothing to make him feel loved.  When I reminded him of things, he did agree to them though.  What I have learned from this, is to be grateful.  I have learned that I need to have gratitude for all the wonderful things in my life, not to focus on the not so good things.

Even writing all this I feel confused.  I feel in some respects that I haven’t evolved at all that perhaps he could be right.  I need to get further on my journey to see how to react or be in certain situations.  Mastering Don Miguel Ruiz, the four agreements of:

  1. Be impeccable with your word
  2. Don’t take things personally
  3. Don’t make assumptions
  4. Always do your best

These should help, right now though, I still don’t know the answers, If i analyse one of the situations using the Four agreements, the one where I had told him I would post pics of us. It would be this:

1. I wanted to post pictures of us eventually and was planning on doing so,  so I was impeccable with my word, the timing wasn’t what he wanted though.   2. I didn’t take his ranting and demands personally, I know that those are is issues and not mine. I haven’t taken his actions personally.  He is on his journey and battling life as he sees it and with his beliefs.  3. I assumed that he was ok with the timing of not posting, that was a mistake, I also assumed he loved himself enough to not need public praise of his actions to me.  I shouldn’t have assumed that.  4. Did I do my best?  I loved him as best I could, I have emotionally been up and down.  I have had a traumatic experience at work and did the best I could with how I was feeling, I go inward when I am struggling, not to shut people out, as a defence mechanism.  So yes I did my best.

I would love for him to look at the situation through the same analysis. Perhaps any of you reading this could analyse your own situations using this too.  I can’t do this or you or for him.  It is up to us to see where we went wrong or what we got right.  I always make that mistake.  We needs to assess it through our own eyes to see how it looks to us.  To see if we did our best.  I guess I am hoping to see if he was unconditional with his love, to see if he accepted me for me 100%.  Again I will never get that, I have to be ok with that.  I too need to analyse my mistakes, where I can change and grow, this I need to learn, not be told what to do or how to be.

When people trigger us, and in that relationship we both triggered each other severely lol. The reason for the trigger is that the other person is a mirror of us.  I did some research on this and found some interesting articles, this excerpt was taken from “Everyone is your mirror – The Great Relationship Secret, by Tania Kotsos article can be found here Everyone is your Mirror – Tania Kotsos  “Owning Up to Your Qualities: Every quality that you see in your partner, whether you admire it or not, is your mirror – it is showing you who you are. The more you dislike a certain quality, the more it is showing you a part of your consciousness that you are not acknowledging. For instance, if you dislike your partner’s jealous nature, you will find that you too are jealous perhaps not of him or her but of others. If your partner’s competitiveness annoys you, you will find that you too are competitive. If your partner’s negativity or insecurities get you down, you will find that you too have a negative nature and the same insecurities. The only reason that these qualities are annoying you is because they are also yours. As long as you do not acknowledge them as your own they will continue to frustrate you, while owning up to them provides you with the chance to grow.”

So with all this, I keep on my journey, learn from my experiences, good and bad.  I am not writing this to teach anyone a lesson.  The guy I have mentioned, he is on his own journey, he needs to learn for himself. He won’t even read this, so I post this with ease.  It’s not even about him, it is a vessel for me to get my feelings out, from my perspective.  Having them in writing is a good way to heal.  I know being involved in an online social group, sharing always helps other. Cutting people out of my life that I love confuses me, I don’t actually do it, but have had family and now this special guy do it to me.  When I love someone and see that they are struggling, I want to do everything I can to help.  I see their journey may be different to mine and respect their point of view.  If they push me away, I still stay open and offer help without taking it personally.  My love is unconditional, If I have to walk away, I will still offer myself as available to help.  To cut myself off wouldn’t be love.  To cut myself off shows that I have made everything about me, which is selfish.  To make yourself available to someone that you can’t have and that hurts, I believe that is Selfless, it is an ability to show your love from a different place.  So I wait, accept life and situations for how they are, sit back and wait to see what happens next.  I embrace myself and keep moving, learning and growing..

Honestly Mel

 

 


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