Forgiveness

forgives-quote

People will hurt you.  It is inevitable.  You will hurt other’s, sometimes without even batting an eyelid and not even knowing.  They don’t mean to hurt you and you can’t take it personally.  You can say something that sounds completely innocent in your mind and it is taken the wrong way.  On my journey to self discovery, sounds very cheesy lol.  Not sure how else to word it though.  People are living their own lives, according to their own set of beliefs and the way they have been brought up and conditioned during their own lives.  I have noticed that they are not always in line with mine either.  In some cases we can accept each other and agree to disagree on things and sometimes not.

I used to be a people pleaser.  I would let people walk all over me.  I would accept things that I didn’t like.  I would allow people to treat me in a way that upset me.  Just to keep the peace.  I would be upset by something someone said to me and laugh it off, rather than call them out on it.  At work, my morals were very challenged and I laughed off a lot of inappropriate comments to avoid conflict.

I did things in relationships to please my partner, just to keep them happy.  I went places with them that I didn’t want to go to.  I let men treat me with out the respect a goddess deserves.  I had sex sometimes, when I wasn’t in the mood to shut them up.  I wore lingerie for someone when I was younger when I felt like crap about myself and honestly felt inside like I was being treated like a piece of meat.  I allowed this, as I didn’t respect myself enough to say no.  I worried that they might not like me anymore if I didn’t do what they wanted.  I have been in some really shitty relationships that I look at now and shake my head.  I wonder how I ever allowed this for myself.  I have forgiven myself for letting myself be treated like this.

People don’t hurt you on purpose.  They Do what they do.  They say what they say.  They believe what they believe.  It can Hurt you if you let it, it can really totally fuck up your life, if you aren’t careful.  Once I started to honour myself.  Once I started to Value myself and respect myself.  I stopped tolerating people disrespecting me.  No more letting myself feel like I have in the past.  No more allowing to feel upset about something and not honour myself enough to brush it under the carpet.  no

To not take anything personally is hard, but is the greatest gift.  I have lost friends in the last 12 months.  As I stopped laughing things off.  I finally stood up for myself and what was important to me.  There was one that totally broke my heart, I have come to terms with it now.  I have grieved these people immensely.  I have forgiven them and they didn’t even know.  Not for them, for myself, so I can heal.

What I have learned is that I don’t even need to tell them they are forgiven.  They don’t understand my journey, so I keep distance.  I see why people behave how they do.  I never assume to know exactly, I just go by facts I know about them and experiences I have shared with them. I see how they treat others and see what other conflicts they have in their lives.  You see a pattern.  So I know I am not to blame for they way they treat me.  Forgiveness also doesn’t mean you are saying what happened was ok.  You can forgive someone and still never talk to them for the things they did to you or ever re engage with them.  It does not have to lead to reconciliation.

This does not mean I shirk all responsibility.  NO NOT AT ALL!  I am very hard on myself.  I over analyse everything.  It is not a good trait to have and I criticise myself more than anyone.  I have learned during this time of improving myself and finding peace in myself that I have to let go.  Letting go and not keeping my thoughts in the past is what got me out of depression.  Being present, enjoying the current moment I am in brings me back to what is important.

I know what things I have done in previous relationships that are wrong.  I can see my part in break downs.  I have forgiven myself for those things.  There are some I will never do again.  There are some that will be hard to break.  I am a sensitive, emotional person.  I struggle to convey my emotions a lot of the time, however in a conflict situation, the fucking dam breaks and all emotions spew out.  I need to learn to respond rather than react, this is not an easy thing to do.  So I can’t say I won’t yell and scream in an argument, such a funny thing to write.  As I haven’t done it in a while and not sure how good I am at controlling my responses.  I guess I will have to wait and see.

When I start being hard on myself, I notice now, I catch myself doing it.  You know, it is not as often as it used to be, which is a more pleasant place to live in.  When it does though, I physically tell myself to stop.  I look at my energy, see where my thoughts are and take a step back (not a physical step though lol) and look at what I am saying to myself.  Look at the situation from a bystander perspective.  It is a great way to sort facts from emotion.  It is a wonderfully powerful gift to have given myself.

What this has allowed, is for me to make a declaration, to no one other than myself. I declared that I  would no longer remain locked in the past as a victim, that I would no longer perpetuate negative life patterns through blame and anger, that I would instead access strength and love day by day, moment by moment in order to fulfill the unique and singular purpose that I was created for.  I am grateful for what I have and where I am and instead of seeing what I don’t have and what people aren’t doing, I see what they ARE doing, and the wonderful things and people that are in my life.

It isn’t all doom and gloom.  Sometimes you can find people see the value in the relationship.  See what they did wrong and do what they can to fix it.  Sometimes it can strengthen the relationship more than it was before.  It can mean that the conflict wasn’t debilitating and destructive, it produced glue, to bind you together in a different, more melodic fashion, than it was previously.  It has helped you understand each others differences and created a greater respect for each other.

I now feel empowered and ready to strengthen the healthy relationships I currently have and I am open to forging new ones while ensuring that my values are from this moment not compromised,  in this fascinating journey, that I call my LIFE.

Honestly Mel

 

 


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