Today’s blog entry was in all honesty, very difficult for me to write about, as it tackles a facet of my life that I still find very difficult to meet head on. I speak about fear-based judgment.
One of the main reasons I’ve struggled in certain areas has been my fear of being judged. I absolutely fear it. All the posts I’ve shared with my readers here bear some part of My Soul -part of Me. For most of my life, I’ve struggled to allow myself to be vulnerable. Instead, I’ve put up a metaphorical wall for protection.
Since I was young, I’ve felt misunderstood and different to the people in my orbit; feeling strongly that people generally don’t “get” me, or understand who I am at my core. I’ve felt – and still do – that my thought processes are different. I’ve felt that I didn’t belong, and that because of it, people treated me differently.
I’ve since learned that it’s merely been my perception, not a fact. Still, it’s for better, or worse, shaped who I am today. In fact, most of us have belief systems we’ve developed in childhood that are – excuse my language here … complete Bullshit.
Being an individual who’d fallen prey to depression over the years, I finally decided to be more proactive in changing the narrative that kept me in a trapped state. I decided to do something, to make huge changes, to see things from a different perspective. To feel differently.
I hated being on medication, it numbed me. I feel things passionately, I see the world though a colourful lens, and while the medication I took did seem to lightened everything up, and stopped it being so dark. The downside was that I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel happiness; I didn’t feel sadness; I didn’t experience Joy. I just existed.
I needed an Awakening, to be off medication, to feel warmth and freedom from the stifling weight depression had imposed upon me. I read books, searched on the internet, sought and received advice from people, even had hypnotism.
I also started Meditating. I credit Meditation for the Beginning of that Change I was seeking. During a Meditation, I could disconnect from my thoughts; I could relax and be in my body, but be absent from everyday life. In my meditative state, I am Present, In the Moment – not in the past, or worrying about the future.
Being Present is a Key Point in my progress. However, Meditation is a method of Escaping. I’ve noticed in therapy, and careful self-analysis of specific pivotal events in my life, that I’ve resorted to various escape mechanisms – maybe a little too much.
Being a soul that sometimes feels too deeply, things can get overwhelming. Over the years, I became addicted to things that facilitated my need to escape – the gym, running, swimming, solitary creative crafts – things I could to do alone. While immersed in these activities, I’d get “in the zone”, and in so doing escape (albeit temporarily) from the pressures of the “real world”.
Swimming was a escape. I remember explaining to someone why I loved it so much. The reason was that I was encased in the water, oblivious to the goings on around me. During solo swim workouts, I couldn’t hear anyone, didn’t have to talk to anyone, hear telephones ring… all I had to do was count how many laps I was doing. In hindsight, it was swimming that I believe was the first type of meditation I did. My mind was clear, save for the counting of laps in the pool.
I’ve felt unbalanced at different times, and on different occasions. Whether heavy or light, I’m keenly aware of and feel the different energies in others. I feel I need to explain that so you understand better.
Here’s an example from a few months ago: I had woken up feeling amazing, having a great morning, feeling like I was glowing and happy. Later, I walked into the office where I work, and immediately felt a dark, heavy, ominous energy hit me upon sitting down at my desk. I realised that it was energy from some of the others in the room. Some may or may not understand what I mean, but the energy wasn’t mine. So, I had to acknowledge it, but not take it on as my own.
I’ve had some energy healing in the past. For me, it’s a necessity as I’ve struggled to shield myself from negative energy from others in my orbit. I’ve attracted such energy during periods when I was out of alignment, or otherwise weak, or not in a good place, and have even fallen victim to “energy vampires” (another topic).
Basically, an “energy vampire” is an individual who drains you of your energy. Most of us have experienced this; you feel exhausted after spending time with these type of people. Reiki was the first form of healing I experienced, it is a Japanese healing technique based on the principle that the therapist can channel “life force energy” that flows through us into the patient by means of touch, to activate the natural healing processes of the patient’s body and restore physical and emotional well being, it is a “spiritually guided life force”.
Reiki work is amazing. If you haven’t had it before, and are open to this type of thing, I recommend it. After I had surgery on my bowel, I was disconnected for a long while. Reiki and other modalities really helped me.
I recently visited with a Shaman – a spiritual healer who enters into an altered state of consciousness to access a hidden reality in the spirit world for purposes of bringing back healing, power and information. Shamans believe that all problems physical, emotional or mental have their root cause in spiritual imbalance. I guess this is where the discomfort is for me. I have been growing spiritually and not all people around me understand, or accept this.
Putting it in writing leaves me open to being judged (that’s where my Fear lives). I’ve been told by someone that I speak “Psycho babble”. This particular individual didn’t choose to understand what I was talking about, so it was easier for him to insult me rather that say he wasn’t interested in that topic and just accept that it was something I liked.
So, I’ve learned to move with caution when I talk about these experiences. However, I am also learning to let go of Fear, and just say how I feel, hence this post.
The experience with the Shaman was OUT OF THIS WORLD! That is explaining it lightly, I could feel the energy. I felt darkness leaving my body. I felt tendrils of unwanted energy snaking from my feet, up my legs and out through my chest, being extracted from my body. I felt calm and relaxed through the session.
There were times where the energy in my chest was swirling and flighty, not wanting to move or leave. I saw colours during some shifts in energy. I had a vision during a huge shift in energy.
All I can say is, that I went in not expecting anything, and walked out knowing that I had altered my future.
I won’t say that changes happened instantaneously, it took some time, I guess for the energy that was shifted to realign, so settle into its new rythm. A few days after I felt a little cheated, as I expected more of an immediate noticable difference. However over the weeks and months after this session, I can tell you life is different and will never be the same. I am ECSTATIC!
Blogging things has been easier to get my inner thoughts and feelings out. Some people read it, most people who do read it don’t reveal who they are. Sometimes people like or comment, but really I feel more anonymous writing this down. So if there are any of you who mock this, I won’t even know and I am at a point now where I don’t care. I will do what feel comfortable with and what works for me.
It’s a bold statement coming from someone who has in the past allowed judgment from others rule their life. Not anymore.