Today, I had an amazing conversation with a girlfriend that I hadn’t spoken with for a few months. We both went through a shitty time last year, and through it all, supported each other; offering each other a non judgemental ear for listening, and sharing opinions and advice on things from our perspective and experiences.
Since then, I have been delving into my psyche and feel that I have finally started to find myself. I’ve acknowledged all of my qualities, both good and bad. I’ve been addressing behaviours in myself I don’t like, and in the process found acceptance for events I can’t change. I have looked for lessons in things that haven’t sat well with me. Most importantly I have found value in myself. I see my worth and what I really deserve. It has enabled me to move forward and away from things that weren’t serving me.
Firstly, it allowed me to get off the “merry-go-round”. I identified patterns of behaviour that kept repeating throughout the arc in my life that caused me great distress, and really didn’t serve me. That metaphorical merry-go-round had me going around and around, having the same things happen that didn’t make me happy. I felt crappy. All the while, allowing behaviour that I didn’t like. I just couldn’t get off the cycle. A major cause – the toxic relationship I was in. Once I acknowledged what I was worth, I stopped tolerating the narcissistic behaviour that was always hurled in my direction, and stood up for myself. I began to see the situation differently. I stopped believing the manipulative things he was saying that made me stay with him. He once boasted “… no one would love me” like he did, that “… I was lucky” he stuck around, as if everyone knew what I was really like, they would run away from me.
Once he stopped having control over me, he became angrier. He started blaming me for all his issues, and once he saw I wasn’t responding, (and in an act of desperation) publicly tried to shame me on social media. I’ve read this is typical of narcissistic behaviour. If they can’t control you, they then attempt to control how others see you. I had other relationships that were similar, my ex husband for one is a nasty narcissist. He tries to have my son see me in a negative way, then there are a few other men I was in relationships with a few expired friendships that fall into the narcissist basket too.
The reason I am explaining this is because once I started to see myself deserving more, I started meeting nicer people. I was attracting genuinely nice people into my orbit. I could see from today’s conversation with my darling girlfriend that she still hasn’t found her worth. She deserves more, but is only attracting what she feels she deserves. Still, I have high hopes for her, and for others to finally break free from that cycle.
Secondly, once I was in a more accepting place, I started being able to relax more. I finally started to experience real enjoyment in things and started LIVING again. I came to the realisation that for quite a long period of time, I had just been existing. I now honestly don’t feel that my life is the struggle it has felt like for many years.
We are all on our own journey, and I will guide my friend as best I can if she asks, but I will refrain from telling her what she should do without her requesting it. Like me, she will need to learn for herself, so she can actually see herself as the “Divine Goddess” she really is.