As a little girl, I often fantasied about being a princess with a beautiful wardrobe, and a handsome prince that came to rescue me. As I got a little older, I wanted to be Barbie, who owned all things pink – the Jeep, the pink horse float, the pink house, the pink high heels etc., … I was independent like Barbie. I didn’t need saving. Of course, Ken was there as the cool partner and we’d live happily-ever-after.
I daydreamed about the perfect life, one with a gorgeous, affectionate, funny, supportive, witty, strong, and confident husband. In my vision, we’d build the ultimate relationship, have the dream wedding, then settle down, have two darling children, and get a dog.
Life had other ideas.
I fell pregnant young at 18. My childhood fantasies were suddenly irrevocably altered. I gave birth to a beautiful daughter. My life was much different than how I imagined it to be. Baby daddy, wasn’t’ a good match either. Shortly after giving birth to our daughter, we parted ways, after which I moved back home with my parents. That wasn’t part of the dream either… LOL.
I met someone else a few months after moving back home. We were together for a few years. In that time, we purchased a house, had a little boy, and got married soon after. Again, everything still seemed all out of order. From outward appearances, I seemed to have been living the dream – the beautiful home, the darling children, but, from the inside, it was far less than ideal.
It was a marriage of convenience due to having a child together. We both weren’t getting what we needed from the relationship. He had the stay- at- home wife, who cooked and cleaned for him, but we didn’t agree on things. He preferred to be more solitary, whereas I wanted to entertain. I wasn’t getting enough affection, there was no connection. After 12 years, we parted ways.
A short time later, I thought I found the answer to my prayers. He was a wonderful man, our conversations flowed easily, we had an amazing connection, we had deep feelings for each other. It seemed perfect. Then cracks started showing during the rigmarole of my divorce proceedings. The divorce dragged on for two years, I dropped into depression.
Lots of shit happened. Lots and lots of s*&t happened.
I did things. He did things. I disrespected him, and then we didn’t honour each other. I am in a better place now, and reflecting back on it all. I wouldn’t repeat lots of what happened again, but it is too late. We never recovered from it. He never really forgave me, nor could he accept me for who I was. He kept trying to mould me into someone he wanted me to be, not satisfied with what I was able to give.
Still, even though I have jaded feelings due to my history, I STILL believe in the fairytale, but one more grounded in reality. I’m not talking about a relationship you’d see in a movie or a Cinderella style scenario LOL.
After having a relationship that, at the time, seemed so close to the dream I had as a child, I have high hopes to find someone compatible, but different. Someone who can accept me, and love me for who I am unconditionally; someone I can return the love back to without conditions, or demands; someone who doesn’t want to change me, and can match my quirkiness; someone I can grow old with!
Dreams (albeit ones more grounded in reality) still come true if you believe in them hard enough.
Here’s to the Fairy Tale Ending…