This month, I set myself a challenge to write a blog post every day. It was an exercise to find my voice, to change my narrative, to share my story. Some days, the words flowed like lava down a volcano. I’ve shared parts of things I’ve written, and I also I have pages of writing that still needed to escape the prison inside me, but that for the time being waiting for my voice to catch up to my feelings. Perhaps, I will write an autobiography one day.
Some days were difficult. I had a theme, but the words were slow in coming and didn’t flow well. I’ve suppressed thoughts and emotions over the years. I’ve protected myself from judgment and the harsh criticism I thought I’d receive from people. I haven’t always been in a good place. I allowed people to disrespect me, and I lacked enough courage to stand up for myself.
This month, I let things out, I’ve begun to tell parts of my story. I let the worry of judgment and criticism go. Again, that too wasn’t easy. There were times I wanted to take down the words I committed to writing but I refrained, and instead leaned into the discomfort. I made myself be ok with it. There are still years worth of things I can share about from my perspective that I hope might help others, and I fully intend to do it too. In time…
But be careful what you wish for! I’ve wished for things in my life, desperately wanted them to materialize, and when they arrived on my doorstep, they weren’t what I was expecting, or ironically, really wanting.
Wanting something, without being clear about it can leave one confused. The Universe works in weird ways, but will Always provide for you. I truly believe that.
Here are a couple of examples of what I mean…
When I got my first car, I was a little embarrassed of her beige boring colour. I bought her with my own money, and even though I was proud of my achievement in buying my own car, I’d secretly wished for a more visually appealing, sexier, sportier car. About eight months later, I got my wish. I was involved in a huge car crash, and my car was written off. I was without a car for a short time, then purchased a sporty two- door version of the same car. Sounds cool, right? Well, not really, a two-door car is really impractical most of the time.
My first boyfriend was high-spirited, and terrible with money. After we broke up, I wished for someone who was good with money and more stable. Again, I got my wish. We got married. He was a bit of a miser, and I was made accountable for every cent I spent. Boy! Was he stable, so stable that we hardly ventured out of the house, unless it was to see family. I found myself fighting with him just to have a conversations with him.
After that marriage ended, I then wished for someone who would spend time with me, communicate with me, treat me like a goddess and want to do things with me. I am sure you can see where this is going…
I Always got my wish, but it was never completely right. I Never Manifested Exactly what I Wanted, instead, I just focused on what was lacking in the previous relationship, and then when I got it, it was too much.
Same goes for Humankind.
Think about things you have wanted so badly… Have they been what you really wanted? Have you wished someone would talk about you in public, or validate you on social media? Have you wished for something so bad, and then when they finally did manifest, you found that it wasn’t really what you had in mind? That it wasn’t how you envisioned it making you feel?
You have to thank the Universe though, as you still got your wish.
Have you ever wanted to get a loan to purchase a fancy car and were declined? You wished for it soo badly though! It was a huge amount, but you were persistent and went to other lenders – you got it, bought the car, but struggled mightily to pay it off. You were always short on money, and all the while in your fancy car wondered why they approved you for so much?
The Universe gave you your wish.
Think of other things that have happened in your life, when one focuses on something, the Universe Always provides, however, always magnified.
My theory behind this is we are being taught lessons. One lesson perhaps is that we need to learn to be ok in ourselves first. When we are completely ok, we need less. When we can honour ourselves, and give ourselves all the love and compassion we need. In the process of honoring ourselves, we begin to attract things and people into our orbit that compliment us. Wishing, wanting, and dreaming of what we desire, the Universe grants it to us, but perhaps in over-abundance to teach us valuable lessons.
Listen to the following: “I want to lose weight” … What one gets from this statement is more wanting. The Universe will provide it, but you will always be left with the WANTING, not actually losing the weight.
This month I’ve found my voice again. Many (including myself) have enjoyed this 30-day of writing challenge, and from the messages I’ve received I’ve inspired many. Some of you have learned a little bit about my thought process. Still, (as expected) others have not been kind, to the point of wanting me to stay silent. And that’s OK too. I Take Nothing Personally (from the 4 Agreements). We are all on our own journey.
In sharing my stories, I’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve learned so much about why things have happened, how I have reacted to things, and how I will respond to things in future. I have learned about why people are in my story. Why some have a starring role, why some have exited, why some are still here and some rejoined back into the story line.
I am the main character, writer and producer of my story, as you are in yours.
We make all the decisions, we choose how our story plays out, we can never blame anyone for things that happen in our story. We also narrate our story. One has a little voice in their head that talks all day, this isn’t always you, don’t always believe that voice, it tells you lies, it can sabotage your story.
One has to feel things with the heart. Know deep in that place, what feels right. You know what to do! Use your intuition. When you follow it, and you trust yourself, you will always be on the right path.