I will never forget the feeling of reaching out and being rejected. Nothing makes you crawl into your shell like reaching out and being met with a “no”.
I have been reading a really good book written by a badass Mum Constance Hall called “Like a Queen”, I actually just finished it. The line that resonated most with me, and jeezus there were heaps, was the above. I have been fiercely independent from a very young age. From about 3-4 years old, which is Kindergarten age I would estimate, if my Mother was alive I could tell you more accurately.
During the past few years I have worked on improving parts of myself that I hated. I needed to change that as hating yourself is deadly, it eats away at your esteem and allows you to damage/sabotage the good things in your life. You become your own worst enemy. By becoming aware of this I have allowed myself to be come vulnerable, I have slowly been able to drop the fiercely independent facade I have held up for what seems like ever.
I recently reached out to a family member for help and it isn’t something minor and was met with a NO. I was always told they were there for me and if I ever needed anything to ask. So I asked and was rejected. My defences kicked in and my wall went up. I spent a few days secretly beating myself up. Telling myself I obviously didn’t deserve help. That I was stupid to ask, that I was rejected because I was worthless.
As I have also been evolving over the past few years, I saw what I was doing to myself. I could see the old pattern of behaviour had kicked in and I stopped it dead in it’s tracks. I am a resourceful, creative woman. I told myself for years I didn’t need anyone’s help. I can sort things out myself, I always have, I will work it out. My precious life isn’t over just because one person told me “NO!”. So I got my thinking cap on and am still trying to figure it out.
My point to this is that Rejection sux. No one likes to feel that they have no one. I feel like I have no support in my family. Reality is.. I don’t! My mother passed away. My father is a selfish guy who keeps to himself. My sisters have there own issues and don’t have me in their life for their own reasons. I do have two amazing children that are there for me. I also have fantastic friends, who do what they can if I need them. I have a wonderful partner who would bend over backwards to make sure I am ok. I have an amazingly warm heart. I open it and am always giving to others.
I am provided for in life, by myself, the universe and a small circle of others.. I hold on to this. My worth is not defined by the rejection of another. Neither is YOURS! Remember that!